Barely Breathing
by iris129
Summary: "I just don't think it's fair to just leave everyone who cares about you behind. Just because you like to pretend that you're alone in this and that nobody but Rachel loved you doesn't make it true."
1. Chapter 1

**I started writing this story like in May but stopped writing it after like a month. But then yesterday I was contemplating writing something for ThemeMorphs, but since I couldn't think of anything, I said "what the hell?" and wrote a little bit more for this.**

**I'm not going to lie. I have no idea if I'm going to finish this. It started of as being a 10k word one-shot but now I have 12k+ words and I'm not even a fourth of the way through. I just think that posting at least some of it will inspire me to write more.**

**Anyways, that's enough talking. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Animorphs.**

"Ellimist!"

Leaves crunched beneath his bare feet as he stomped through the forest ground. Thorns and sticks poked his skin. He was bleeding a bit. He didn't care.

"Ellimist!" His voice was demanding, filled with rage. "Come out, you coward!"

The only response he received was the sound of branches swaying in the air. The sun was out, and the sky was full with cumulus clouds. It was a perfect day to be happy. A perfect day to fly.

He wasn't flying anywhere anytime soon. "ELLIMIST!"

There was nothing but silence. In a fit of anger, he brought his fist up in the air and swung it on the nearest tree with all his might. He heard something crack, and there was a sudden throbbing in his hand. He didn't care. Nothing compared to the pain he had just endured.

"Damnit, Ellimist! You owe me!" The wind picked up in response. He cursed loudly and slammed his hand against the tree again. He kicked it again and again, making himself bleed more profoundly and providing splinters to last a life time.

"Bring her back! Bring her back!" His whole body trembled as grief threatened to take over. "Damnit," he whispered, when he realized that tears were falling down his face. "Damnit."

"Ellimist!" he screamed one more time, his voice shaking with emotion, before giving up and crumbling to the ground in a fit of sobs.

"Please," he begged between his cries. "Please, please, please, please, please, please..."

What was he supposed to do now? How was he supposed to live? It had barely been a week and he couldn't function properly. How was he supposed to survive the rest of his life without her?

"Oh God," he said as another wave of sorrow hit him and he curled into a ball in an attempt to shield himself from the agony.

He didn't even try to get up or move a muscle. He was too week. "You owe me," he whispered, addressing the Ellimist once again. "You owe me, you..." He was interrupted by another sob. "Just bring her back. Bring her back. I- I'll do anything. I-"

He moaned in distress, foolishly hoping that the semi-omnipotent being would come to his rescue. But he didn't. He didn't even show up.

Even then, Tobias didn't get up. Instead, he whispered, "What am I going to do?"

...

((Tobias! Tobias, please come back! I just want to talk to you!))

It had been like this constantly for the past month. Ax, or Marco, or Cassie always came, spending at least an hour screaming for everyone to hear. They had even scared away some of his prey, much to his annoyance. Jake never came. For this, he was glad.

((Look, I know it's hard! But we miss you! We're your friends!))

Couldn't she understand that he didn't want to speak? That he couldn't force himself to speak? That maybe he just wanted to forget?

((And anyway, Rachel would not have wanted to see you this way!))

A flash of boiling anger hit him, but it just as quickly turned into hollowness. Sadness. That deep ache in his heart that he desperately wanted to get rid, and he deflated, tired.

((Tobias, please!))

Had he been human, he would have covered his head with both hands and tried to squeeze their voices out. But he wasn't. He was a hawk. And with Rachel gone, he would be until the day he died. He hoped it would be soon.

((We care about you!))

She would leave soon. Her two hours were almost up. Then, if he found the energy to do so, he might even hunt today. The hunger was starting to make him weak, anyway.

((We just want what's best for you!))

_Then why don't you just leave. _There was a moment of silence, and for a second he was afraid he had spoken out loud. But he hadn't. Cassie had just dived to the floor and started to demorph.

He was hidden well enough to be out of Cassie's sight, but from where he was, he could still get a perfect view of her face. Of the concern written there. The worry and grief. For just a second, he considered calling out to her to tell her he was fine. For just a second, he considered morphing human and hugging her.

But he didn't. And within a few minutes, she had already re-morphed and gone, leaving him alone with the forest as company.

...

_"__I love you."_

_His breath stopped. She was right in front of him, only a few meters away, with her back turned to him. But it was _her. _Alive and beautiful and whole._

_"__I love you."_

_Her long, golden blond hair fell down her back in ringlets. She had a simple, yellow dress on and she was barefoot. He took a shaky step towards her._

_"__I love you."_

_He was only a feet away from him now, and he was sure she could hear his strangled gasps and heavy breathing. Still, she didn't turn._

_"__I love you."_

_He couldn't believe this was happening. That this was real. She was alive! She was _alive_! He reached out to touch her, barely holding himself together. He wanted to kiss her, to hold her, to just feel her in his arms. To make sure she was real and that she was his again._

_"__Rachel, I-"_

_Finally she turned. He could see the flower crown on her head now. The loving smile on her face, and her tender eyes. She reached out her hand to touch him._

_He jumped back, pulling his arm back and screamed. He screamed and screamed and screamed. For her face, once beautiful and flawless, was rotting. Her skin was peeling, falling in chunks down her face, like fast forward leprosy. Blood was streaming down her forehead like a waterfall, and he could see the white of her skull. And the stench... He gagged._

_"__Noo!" he screamed. "No! No! No!"_

((No!))

He awoke with a start, nearly flying off his perch in fright, only to find himself surrounded by a blanket of darkness. With his sharp eyesight, he could discern the stars above him and the dancing branches. The leaves rustled in the wind. He heard the sound of an owl hooting in the distance, and he suddenly remembered where he was.

((No,)) he groaned. ((No.))

It was like this every night. He would wake up thinking everything, even Rachel's death, was a simple nightmare only to discover that, while her rotting face certainly was, she was really gone. She was really dead.

He could still smell the putrid odor, and he had the urge to throw up. He was shaking, but definitely not from the cold. Why couldn't he get some decent sleep? Why couldn't he just forget? Why couldn't he just retreat into his hawk self without worrying about the pesky, miserable, frightened little boy returning?

He wanted to cry. He wanted to just morph human and cry. Maybe he could find Ax, or Cassie, or maybe even Loren to just hold him while he wept and told him everything was going to be okay.

But he wouldn't. He couldn't. He wasn't human anymore, and hawks didn't cry. If he did that, he would never be able to rid himself of Tobias the boy, something that he needed to do if he wanted to live off the rest of his days in peace.

_But would it really be so bad?_ a voice in his head asked. He was not doing any progress as it was, and he had not morphed human, or anything else, in over a month. Would it really be so bad to just cry one last time? Maybe it would be better, even. Maybe, if he let it all out, he could lift some weight of his shoulders. And just maybe, this might help him let go of his human self once and for all.

He almost flew out of his perch and morphed, but he didn't because he knew that if he started crying now, he would never stop.

...

He stood outside her door and tentatively knocked on it once. After two minutes of waiting, he figured she probably didn't hear, and knocked again, louder this time.

He had already been to the old Hork-bajir Valley to look for her, but of course, she wasn't there. Nobody was, Hork-bajir or human. He assumed they had relocated after the war, but he had no idea where. Maybe he would ask her if, no _when,_ she opened the door and let him in.

"Hey, what're ya doin' here?"

He turned around to see a man, maybe in his late forties, standing on the sidewalk and holding a bottle of alcohol in his hand. He was clearly drunk, his words slurring and his eyes red. Tobias wrinkled his nose in disgust.

"Are you a reporter?" Tobias looked down at himself, barefoot and in spandex, obviously wearing the perfect attire for a reporter. "Because she ain't in there, ya know. I heard she moved to another state." He took a chug from his bottle as he said this.

Tobias froze for a second at his words. She couldn't have left, could she? It had been two months since he'd seen her, but she couldn't have left. Surely she would have gone looking for him before. Surely he would have heard something by now.

"Thank you, sir," he called out sarcastically, his voice raspy. "I'll keep that in mind."

The man shrugged. "Suit yourself."

He watched the man go halfway down the street before returning his attention to the door. He knocked again, harder. He waited a few minutes, but nobody came out.

He began to panic. Maybe she wasn't living here anymore. It made sense. This neighborhood was rotten. Nobody would want to live here. Especially not now when she had gotten her vision and health back. So, maybe she had moved to another house. She was probably somewhere else in the city. Somewhere better. She couldn't have just left him here. Not again.

He almost turned around and left, but instead opted in turning the knob. The door was unlocked, so he opened it. "Loren?" he called as he stepped in.

The living room was deserted. There was nothing there to show that anyone was living there. No couch. No TV. No small stand. "Mom?" he called out shakily, closing the door behind him. He checked the kitchen. Nothing. No plates. No forks. No other utensils. No food. No chairs or dining table.

"Mom? Mom, it's me, Tobias. I came back."

He ran upstairs, checking her room. Nothing. The restroom. Nothing. The closet. Nothing. "Mom!" he yelled. His voice was trembling now, choked with emotion as the truth sunk in. There was nothing! Nothing and nothing and nothing! The house was empty, uninhabited.

Tears threatened his vision, and he leaned against the wall. His breaths were coming in strangled gasps, and he bit his lip to stop himself from screaming. She was gone. She was really gone. She abandoned him, _again._

He screamed and punched the wall. "No! No, no, no, no! Stupid! I'm so godamn stupid!" Tears were running from his face freely now, but he didn't care. Everyone! Everyone left him! Elfangor, Loren, Rachel... Didn't anyone _care? _He screamed again and punched the wall until his hands bled, until there were red stains on the wood. Then, he fell to his knees and broke into inconsolable sobs. Just like in the woods.

He wasn't being fair, and he knew it. He couldn't have expected her to stay and wait for him. She had to move on and remake her life, to start fresh. But he just... He just, couldn't... He needed somebody. Somebody who didn't bring back memories of the war, good or bad. Somebody who was supposed to love him unconditionally. Somebody who was supposed to be there for him, no matter what. He wanted his mother. He _needed _his mother. But as it turned out, she didn't need him. Maybe she didn't even want him.

He tried to get up, but he just fell back down again. He tried to stop the tears, but they just kept flowing. Coming here was a mistake. He should have just stayed in his meadow, where at least he had his hawk self to shield him from the pain. Or at least numb it a bit.

Even after he stopped wailing and shaking, he didn't move. He didn't know what he was expecting. Maybe for her to show up. Maybe for Loren to just materialize out of nowhere and embrace him. But she never did.

...

He retreated into his hawk mind after that. It was just like after his first kill all over again. He wasn't aware of how much time passed, or where he was, or what he was. Tobias the boy didn't exist anymore, at least not often. It was just the predator now, the one who didn't care about sadness or grief. The one who didn't remember betrayal, old friends, lost family members, or the ghost of a reckless smile and fierce eyes. All the hawk thought about was the next meal or the occasional intruding bird that he had to chase away. The hawk was the one who was in control. That was the way it was supposed to be.

Sometimes, however, a small voice screamed in the background. A cry of a little boy who the world forgot. The hawk was a bit confused by this, but it ignored it for the most part and went back to his usual routine. There were other times, though, when in the middle of the night the hawk would wake up with a screech, suddenly terrified for no reason. It was then when Tobias made an appearance again, when the human was suddenly aware of his surroundings and all the suppressed memories came rushing back, and he wondered when he would be able to let it all go, to just finally be able to surrender to his predatory instinct indefinitely and never return.

Of course, this didn't last long, and by the next day, the hawk returned and took the reins again until the teenager returned, and the cycle began again.

...

Nearly a month later, Ax was calling his name again in the middle of the woods. Cassie and Marco had given up already, but Ax still showed up once or twice a week, so hearing him wasn't a surprise.

What was a surprise was seeing him in his natural body instead of in the northern harrier morph he used to try and track him down. It was useless, of course. If Tobias didn't want to be found, he would not be found. Simple as that.

Another difference was that Ax had come while Tobias was in one of _those _moods. Tobias-the-kid had resurfaced and the hawk was left flummoxed as this unpleasant emotion called sadness engulfed him. It was in those moods that Tobias seriously considered just flapping his wings as hard as he could, flying as high as he could, and just plummeting to the ground once and for all. Maybe the pain would end then, and he wouldn't suffer anymore. Maybe there was an afterlife and Rachel was waiting for him. Or maybe he would go straight to hell. And if he did... oops? He honestly didn't think life could get any worse.

((Tobias, please. There is something I wish to speak to you about.)) Ax's voice snapped him out of his depressing thoughts. He seemed desperate, and Tobias knew that whatever he had to say, it was important.

He made no move to get off his perch.

((Tobias?)) Ax looked around hopefully, his stalk eyes darting back in forth trying to catch sight of his friend. A couple of minutes later, he slumped a bit in defeat and let out a resigned sigh. ((I guess you are not coming again,)) he said.

He started to walk off, and without thinking about it, Tobias glided down to the ground and began to morph. At the sudden noise, Ax whipped his head around and watched in awe as his _shorm_ and nephew emerged in front of his eyes for the first time in three months.

When his morph was complete, Tobias simply said, "Hey, Ax-man. Long time no see," in a hoarse voice.

((Tobias...)) The affection in Ax's voice made Tobias's eyes well up with unshed tears and he launched himself at the Andalite, wrapping his arms around him in a tight hug. Even though he thought his arms would break under Tobias's strong hold, Ax still closed his eyes and embraced his nephew, relief of finding him flooding through his veins.

Tobias started to weep again, but this time, he wasn't alone. Ax didn't say anything. He just held him and stroked his blond hair as he cried.

Ax walked them over to a nearby tree to lean on for support as Tobias still clung to him. He continued to hug him until Tobias's loud sobs were reduced to sniffles, and then he said, ((I missed you.)) At this, Tobias began to cry all over again, but Ax never let go.

"Okay," Tobias said after a couple of minutes. "Okay. Okay, I'm-" He let out of a few shaky breaths. "I'm okay," he said and disentangled himself from Ax's arms. "I'm okay," he repeated, trying to convince himself more than Ax.

((I'm glad I found you,)) Ax said, but his eyes were sad.

"Yeah, me too," Tobias said with a small smile. He was wondering why he hadn't done this before. Why he hadn't just let himself be found. He was still sad, yes. The sorrow hadn't left. But he felt... better here with Ax, knowing that there was someone there to support him.

((I'm glad I found you,)) he repeated. ((I'm glad I found you before...)) his voice trailed off, and he looked down, appearing nervous all of a sudden.

Tobias looked confused. "Found me before wha- oh," he said, as he realized what Ax meant, and his heart sank.

"You're leaving." It wasn't a question. His voice was flat.

((Yes,)) Ax said.

Of course he would leave. Everybody left. He suddenly felt like throwing up, and he turned his head away, willing himself not to start crying again.

((I won't,)) Ax continued, ((if you do not want me to. I will stay with you, if you wish.))

Without thinking about it, Tobias said, "No."

((What?)) Ax asked, confused.

"No," Tobias repeated. He sounded confident, but inside he was screaming at himself to shut up, to let Ax stay. "Ax, I can't let you stay here with me. It's always been your dream to become a Prince and I can't take that away from you. Besides, you have to go back home to your parents." Just because _his_ parents didn't care didn't mean Ax's didn't.

After a few seconds, Ax said quietly, ((Then come with me,)) then added after a pause, ((I do not want to leave you alone.))

Without hesitating, Tobias responded, "Okay." He would have been offended at Ax's comment before, saying that he was fine on his own and that he didn't need anyone. But that wasn't true anymore, and they both knew it.

Ax's eyes lit up, but then Tobias added, "Not now, though." At Ax's confused face he said, "I will go, but not now. I..." He looked down and took a breath. "I need to pull myself together first. I don't think I want to pull a scene like this in front of the other Andalites," he said, referring to his mental breakdown. "Besides, you should probably give your parents a heads up about the whole Elfangor thing." He didn't think his parents would react too kindly if they knew Elfangor had had an illegitimate child. And, oh yes! He was from another species.

((As you wish,)) Ax said, though he sounded a bit deflated. ((But Tobias?))

"Yes?"

((You have to promise me that you won't hurt yourself.))

"What?" Tobias asked, shocked that Ax had said that, and a bit of anger seeped into his voice.

((I am serious, Tobias,)) he said with a stern voice. ((I want you to swear to me that you won't hurt yourself. That you'll try to move on.)) At Tobias's silence, he said a little more desperately, ((Please. I'm not telling you to become a human _nothlit_ or to contact the others if you have no desire to do so, even though I highly recommend you to the latter because they are worried about you. But you cannot continue to live like this. You cannot completely isolate and lose yourself!))

After a pause, Tobias agreed. "Okay," he said. "Okay, I promise."

Ax smiled at him. ((Good. I will come back for you, then. Now... I would love to enjoy one last delicious cinnamon bun before I leave. Would you care to accompany me?))

Tobias gave a weak laugh and wrapped his arms around him again. "Thank you," he whispered. Then added, "I love you, Ax."

And he did. Ax was his best friend. His uncle. The only family member that still cared about him. He was always looking out for him. Besides Rachel, he had kept him sane during the war and had understood him in ways not even she could because they were both the outcasts of their group. And now, he was probably the person that mattered most to him.

Ax hugged him back. "I love you too, my _shorm_."

...

The next few weeks were spent getting in touch with humanity again. He didn't talk to anyone or morphed human, though. Instead, he flew around the city and retook one of the few hobbies he had during the war: people watching.

Of course, now he wasn't trying to look for new Controllers since everybody had been freed. Now he was trying to re-accustom himself to humans and remember how to act like one. He was planning on talking to Cassie and Marco to reassure them that he was fine. He just wanted to do it without breaking down in front of them like he had with Ax.

His favorite place to be in was in the park, where everyone was calm and peaceful. Usually he would perch on the tree on top of a bench where people would often sit down and read a book, and then he would read over their shoulders and distract himself for as long as they stayed. Once or twice he had managed to read an entire book instead of just a few pages or a few chapters.

However, when he flew by the city, sometimes he stopped outside of big shops with glass doors. Sometimes they had TV's exhibited and sometimes they had the news on. From what he had gathered from the TV and snaps of conversations he had caught, the other Animorphs were quite busy.

Marco had just signed a contract to help some director with a new Animorphs TV show. Like if he needed a daily reminder of the atrocities of war. Cassie was helping the Hork-bajir with some legal stuff to protect them from poachers and from the press along with Rachel's mom. He made a mental note to visit Toby and the others soon. Jake... Well, he didn't care to find out about Jake. And anyway, his face didn't appear much on the camera much to the media's disappointment.

Tobias had also heard much about himself. There were rumors that he had morphed human permanently and was hiding out there somewhere. Others thought that he was dead and had committed suicide. Still, some idiots out there believed that there was no Tobias. That there never had been and the other Animorphs had made him up. Like if the press didn't have footage of him coming out of the Pool Ship that fateful day.

He rarely saw anyone who looked depressed or sad over the terrors that had occurred during the war. The people had moved on. Tobias expected to feel upset and left out over this, but he didn't. He was relieved to know that people were still able to carry on and that there was a world outside of his misery.

...

He sat alone in a table for two, nervously darting his eyes around the foot court. He took a small sip from his Starbucks's Frappuccino (double chocolaty chip) and let out a small moan. It had been forever since he'd had chocolate.

The people around him chattered noisily, all lost in their own little worlds. Nobody paid any attention to him. Nobody would guess that this thin, blond, seemingly shy teenager was actually the famous Tobias, the lost Animorph. That was okay with him. He never liked the spot light, anyway.

It had taken a whole lot of convincing to persuade himself to actually come to the mall. It had taken even longer to find clothes since the old mall where he kept his clothes had been destroyed during the war. He'd had some stashed in the construction site, but that place was off limits because it was being reconstructed into a memorial. There was no way he was going back to Rachel's house for his third set of clothes. In the end, he'd gotten some of Ax's clothes from his now abandoned scoop. He'd also collected some scattered chain to pay for the drink.

The mall was packed. It had been a while since he'd been a part of civilization, so the cramped space bothered him. His hawk instincts, which he had even in morph, and his own natural claustrophobia made him a bit jumpy and anxious to leave. However, he told that part of him to shut up and ignored it. Overall, it was actually kind of nice.

His eyes focused on a parent who was having trouble with his child. The toddler was clinging to his leg, begging him to take him back to the candy store, and the father was desperately trying to calm his son down. Tobias smiled a bit, and told himself, _This isn't so bad, _before freezing in his spot.

His eyes had locked on a new target, two teenagers about his age who were kissing by the fountain. They looked nothing like him and Rachel, and besides, they weren't much for PDA. But still, his blood ran cold and he suddenly felt sick.

He quickly stood up and almost tripped over the foot of the table when he ran to throw away his half-empty drink. He rushed out of the foot court and past an elderly man who called out to him, "Son, are you okay?"

He ran into the nearest restroom which was surprisingly empty and slammed the door behind him when he went into a stall. He fell to his knees and threw up. Even when he was done, he still dry heaved into the toilet.

His hands were shaking and his breaths came out in rapid gasps. Tears suddenly threatened his vision, but he refused to let them fall. He leaned his head back against the wall and he wrapped his arms around his knees.

Silently, he cursed himself for being so weak. How was he supposed to move on when he lost his composure for something as simple as that? If he reacted like this when he saw two teenagers, who had no connection to him or to the war, making out, how badly would he fall apart when he met up with Marco and Cassie again, who actually reminded him of Rachel?

"I can't do this," he whispered. "I can't do this." He dug his nails into his arms as a way to stop himself from crying. "I can't. I can't."

...

On Rachel's birthday, Tobias made sure to be at the cemetery at 12:00 in the morning sharp. The cemetery was closed, so he had eight hours to mourn Rachel in piece.

When he got there, he immediately morphed human and sat down next to the memorial, laying his head against the tomb. "Happy birthday, Rach," he whispered and didn't say anything else. Rachel's body wasn't there, of course, but it was the best place to properly mourn her.

He didn't cry. He didn't think he was capable of shedding more tears. Besides, if there _was _an afterlife and Rachel was watching him, he knew she wouldn't like to see him cry. Instead, his mind wandered off to the last time he saw her before her death. The last time he was truly happy.

_"__Rachel, shouldn't you be saying goodbye to your family instead of talking to me?" he said as his beak turned into a mouth. She had caught up to him and practically begged him to morph human._

_"__Yeah. But I wanted to talk to you first. You know, just in case something goes wrong tomorrow." She flashed him a smile, but he knew her well and he knew that something was up. There was some uncertainty in her face._

_"__Don't talk like that," he said quickly grabbing her cheek. "We'll be fine. We always are." Anything else was unthinkable._

_"__Yeah." She sighed and leaned against his touch, wrapping her arms around his waist. "We either die tomorrow or we win."_

_"__Hopefully the latter," Tobias said. "Has Jake talked to you, yet?"_

_Rachel stiffened a bit, but she instantly relaxed. "Yeah, he did," she said a little sadly._

_He knew not to pry. Jake had given them all instructions privately, so nobody knew the entire plan but him. Tobias knew that it was for the best. If any one of them was caught, the Yeerks wouldn't know enough information to stop the mission. Still, Tobias couldn't help but worry about Rachel even though he knew that Jake would never endanger her if he could help it. The thought of losing her was unbearable._

_It was that fear that had led to his decision, and he said a little nervously, "Hey, Rachel? I'm going to do it."_

_She looked up at him in confusion. "Do what?"_

_"__After it's over. After tomorrow, I'm going to morph human permanently." His voice was a little shaky, but it was determined._

_Instantly her face lit up, but then she frowned a bit. "Are you sure? Tobias, you don't have to if you don't want to."_

_"__I'm sure," he said with certainty._

_Rachel still looked upset. However, he was unsure why. Wasn't this what she'd always wanted? What she'd always insisted on? "But... why..."_

_Tobias laughed softly. "What do you mean why? Because-" At this, he blushed a bit. Shyly, he said the words that he'd never been brave enough to say. "Because I love you."_

_Instantly his face was pulled down to hers and she kissed him hard, only pulling away for air. He closed his eyes and kissed her back, feeling pure contentment. When he opened opened his eyes again, however, he found that she was crying._

_"__Rach? Rachel, what's wrong?" he asked, panicked. Had he done something to upset her?_

_She shook her head. After a few shaky breaths, said without any hesitation in her voice, "You mean the world to me. You are the most important person in my life, and don't you over forget that. Okay?"_

_For a second, he didn't think about anything else but the magical words that she had just spoken, and a wide smile graced his features. "I won't," he said, and soundly kissed her again._

_Somewhere along the way they ended up on the forest floor. Somewhere along the way their clothes ended up on a pile next to them. Somewhere along the way when the pleasure took over his body, he realized that life was good, and that this was right. Somewhere along the way he realized that this was what the rest of his life was going to be like. No more pain. No more suffering. Only love. Somewhere along the way, he foolishly thought that he could have a happy ending._

"Oh, man," he groaned as he went back to reality and he was left with that familiar aching in his heart again. He pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on them.

Tobias, better than anyone, knew that whenever someone was happy, life always came along and took it away. So, why had he thought that this would be different? He had been so caught up in the moment that he hadn't realized Rachel was saying goodbye.

Suddenly, he heard leaves crunching and he froze. Looking up, the sadness instantly fled and he was left with a hot flash of anger. "I thought I'd find you here," the person in front of him said.

_((Hey, Jake,)) Tobias called out joyfully as he spotted his leader walking through the Valley. Jake looked up at him and gave him a small smile. Taking this as an invitation, he flew down and perched on the branch above Jake's head. ((What are you doing?))_

_"__Just giving last minute instructions for tomorrow. You? You seem cheerful today."_

_((I was just talking with Rachel right now.))_

_Instantly, the smile wiped off Jake's face, and Tobias grew a bit uneasy. "Oh," he said guardedly. "What'd she say?"_

_((Umm...)) Tobias trailed off, suddenly embarrassed. ((Stuff. Nothing about the mission. Don't worry about it,)) he said quickly._

_Jake nodded, then gave him a forced smile. "Are you worried?"_

_Tobias thought about it. Then, he thought about what would happen after the war, and what Rachel had told him in the woods. Had he been human, he would've been grinning like an idiot. ((No. Not really. You?))_

_Jake gave a bitter laugh. "I'm the leader, Tobias. It's my job to worry."_

_((Hey, man. Just think, if we win this thing tomorrow, and the odds are better than a lot of our other battles, I think, your family will finally be free,)) he said comfortingly. _

_Jake looked down, and Tobias could have sworn he saw a look of self-disgust on his face. ((Jake, it'll be fine.))_

_Jake looked up at him and gave him a small smile. "Yeah, I'm sure it will. See you tomorrow, Tobias. I got to go."_

Tobias wondered how he could have been so naive. How he stupidly stood there and comforted Jake. Jake, who knew exactly what was going to happen. Jake, who saw him happy and optimistic and didn't warn him about the horrors up ahead. Jake, who knew that the next day all his hopes and dreams would be shattered into a billion irreparable pieces and didn't say a damn thing. Jake, who he had foolishly considered a friend.

Tobias remembered what Elfangor had told him once. He said that his friends were his family now. Well, would family send each other to their deaths? Would family take away what you held most dear to you? He didn't have much experience with family, but he was pretty sure the answer was no. When Tobias broke the fetal position and looked up at Jake, only one word flashed through his mind. _Traitor. _

"Do you have any idea how wrong it is to bother someone at a cemetery?" Tobias hissed.

It was dark and his human vision was crap, but he could see his smirk. "Yeah, but this was the only place I could be sure to find you."

"Maybe because I don't want to be found," he snapped, anger seeping through his voice. At Jake's chuckle, he added, "Especially not by you."

That wiped the smirk off his face, but it returned a second later. "Typical you. Running away from your problems."

Tobias knew what Jake was trying to do. He wanted to make him mad and get a reaction out of him. Knowing this didn't stop Tobias from snarling, "Fuck you."

Jake laughed. "Sorry, Tobias. I don't roll that way."

Tobias stood up, rage drawn on his face. Part of him wanted to attack Jake right then. To rip him apart limb by limb. But he knew that he couldn't do that. Not here in front of Rachel's tomb. "You're an asshole. How dare you laugh at me? How dare you come over here and taunt me, when this is all your fault? How can you even show your face here, knowing that if it wasn't for you, Rachel would still be alive!? God damnit, Jake! She could be happy right now! We could be-"

"HEY! What are you doing here?" Sudden light blinded him, and he looked away. It was then he noticed the angry tears that were streaming down his face. So much for not crying.

He wiped his eyes and looked back. "Sorry, Jerry. I just wanted to come here before the masses did," Jake said to who appeared to be a security guard. Tobias shot a look at Jake when he said the guard's name. Just how often did he come here?

"Oh." Jerry's face lit up. "Well, I suppose I could make an exception for you, Mr. Berenson." He shone his flashlight at Tobias. "You, however, will have to leave."

"What? Why does he get special treatment?" Tobias shouted angrily.

"He's with me," Jake said quickly to avoid trouble.

Tobias glared at him. "I'm not with you, dumbass."

"Young man!" Jerry, exclaimed, shocked. "Do you know who this is?"

"Yes, I know exactly who this idiot is. And if I have to leave, then so does he. I have as much of a right to be here as he does."

"Oh? And who might you be?" the guard asked, annoyed.

"I'm Tobias," he hissed. "Rachel's boyfriend."

This revelation seemed to shock the guard into silence, and Tobias smirked. "Excuse him," Jake intervened, stepping in front of Tobias. "He's usually friendlier, but he's quite upset today, understandably so. Would you mind leaving us alone, Jerry? I promise we won't cause any trouble."

Jerry nodded, sent an apologetic look at Tobias, turned off his flashlight, and left. When he was gone, Jake looked over at Tobias, and said, "I didn't know you could be such a jerk."

Tobias let out a bitter laugh. Jake continued. "Look, I know things are rough. I know that it hurts. But isolating yourself... That's not going to help."'

Tobias leaned back against the tomb, and slid to the floor. After a few seconds, he said softly, "Do you think this is easy for me? I'm trying, okay? I really am. But it's kind of hard to move on when the only person who really loved you is gone." Tears where falling down his face again.

"No," Jake said a bit harshly. "You stop that right there. That's not true, and you know it. There are other people who care. Ax, Cassie, Marco, Toby, Loren... me..."

Tobias didn't bother to correct him about Loren, but he knew the others cared. He just wasn't about to let Jake get the last word. "I don't know, Jake. Sometimes you think that people care, but they end up backstabbing you." The pain was evident in his voice. The betrayal he always felt when he thought about Jake came back and hit him full force.

Jake knelt and tried to put his hand on Tobias's shoulder, but he shrank back. "No! Don't touch me!" He saw the hurt on Jake's face, and for an instant he felt a pang of guilt, but he shrugged it off. He wasn't the one who should be apologetic.

"I'm sorry," Jake whispered. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. God, Tobias, you have no idea how much I regret everything. If I could take it all back, I would."

"Yeah?" Tobias said a bit too harshly. "Being sorry is not going to change things."

"Tobias, please," Jake was crying now, practically begging him for forgiveness. "I never meant to hurt you or anyone, but especially not you. You have to believe me. I just wanted to end the war. I was desperate."

Funny, how now Tobias was actually feeling sympathy for his former leader. He almost forgave him, then. Almost. But then he remembered a time when the tables were turned, and it was Tobias who was begging Jake to reconsider. He remembered how he had still given the order, _Rachel, go. _Jake hadn't even given him a second glance then. So why should Tobias spare him now?

"No. Sorry, but no. Now if you'll excuse me, would you mind leaving? I really don't want to be in the presence of my girlfriend's killer at her memorial," he said coldly.

He could practically hear something shatter in Jake. Tobias felt a kind of bad, yes, but anger was always the strongest emotion. Jake stood up and walked a few steps before stopping.

"Hate me all you want, Tobias, but it's not going to help you," he called back.

Jake morphed owl, and flew away, Tobias's gaze following him. Tobias leaned his head against Rachel's tomb again and whispered, "I'm sorry, Rachel." He stayed there until his time was almost up, then flew away.

...

Tobias sat at the the edge of the cliff, feet dangling in the air. The sound of water hitting rocks filled his ears as he looked out into the waterfall. It was about a fifty meter drop. No one would survive a fall like that. Not even him.

He played with a fallen branch and thought about what had happened the day before. Jake was wrong. Hating him, being angry at him, _had_ helped Tobias. Now, after he had screamed at Jake and let out much of his bottled up emotions, Tobias felt empty. Numb.

He didn't even feel sad anymore and couldn't summon his grief. His heart was just a blank sheet with no emotions, and he thought that that was worse than actual melancholy.

He rested his elbows on his thighs. What was the point, really? Why was he even still trying? Why not end it all right here?

He looked down at the waterfall fall again and considered just jumping off. Would it really be so bad? He was just so tired. So worn out. Breathing, living, actually feeling something... Just existing took too much energy he didn't think he had. So why not just... stop?

He stood up, and took a shaky step towards the edge of the cliff. Another inch and he would really be gone.

He picked up his foot to move it forward, but instead he took a step back and shook his head. He sighed, demorphed, and took to the sky without looking back.


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry for the long time gap between chapters. I've been super busy. But anyway, I'd like to dedicate this chapter to Quillian whose positive feedback convinced me not to abandon this story.**

...

Cassie was in town. He knew this because he had forced himself to go back to the barn and had promised himself that if she was there, he would talk to her no matter what. And she was.

She hadn't changed much. She was still wearing a baggy shirt and too-short jeans and dirty boots, but that was probably because she currently had her hand shoved down a wolf's throat. Typical. Her hair was longer and pulled back in a pony tail and she was about an inch taller, but that was it. She was still same old Cassie.

He hesitated before talking to her. He hadn't seen her for a whole six months and didn't know what to talk about. She would probably want to talk about how he'd been doing and if he was okay and about the war, but that was exactly what he wanted to avoid. He almost left right then because his nerve had suddenly escaped him upon seeing her and nervousness started to kick in.

But before all his courage left him, he flew down to one of the hay bales and said, ((Hey Cassie. Long day at work?)) like if it'd been days since he'd seen her instead of months. His voice sounded much more confident than he felt.

Instantly she spun around, wide eyes darting around the room until they fell on him. Her mouth was open in shock and she didn't say anything for a full five seconds as if she couldn't comprehend what was going on. He fidgeted slightly at her stare and had to resist the urge to flee.

"_Tobias?"_ she asked disbelievingly.

((Hi, Cassie,)) he said, his thought-speak "voice" sounding a bit high-pitched.

Before he had the chance to say anything else, she launched from her spot and threw her arms around his hawk body. He instinctively flared his wings and let out a small screech before calming himself down. Hawks weren't meant to be held.

"Sorry," she said quickly, letting him go for a second. "Sorry, it's just... Oh my God, Tobias. It's really you." And just like that she started to cry and she hugged him again, much to the hawk's annoyance. However, Tobias told the hawk to shut up and wrapped his wings awkwardly around her.

((Hey,)) he said, trying to sound reassuring but probably failing. ((It's okay. It's okay.))

She didn't let go or stop crying, though, and then she laughed after a few moments. She said, "Maybe you should just go human if you find this uncomfortable because I don't think I'm capable of letting go for a while."

She didn't even let go when his bones rearranged and grew thicker even though it must have felt extremely weird while she hugged him. Once he was fully human, she pressed her face to his shoulder, tears still streaming down her face. He reassured her that it was him and that he was fine, but she still didn't let go.

It was like this that Cassie's father found them when he entered the barn. Tobias was about to call out a greeting before remembering that he had only met him as a hawk, not as a boy, and he suddenly felt subconscious. He just found his daughter crying and embracing a strange boy.

Walter eyed him suspiciously and asked, "Cassie, who's this?"

Cassie looked up at him with tears in her eyes and smiled. "It's Tobias, Dad. It's Tobias," she said with awe.

Walter looked taken aback. "Tobias? But... He's..."

"Hi, Walter," Tobias said. "I decided to ditch the feathers for a bit."

Walter tried to smile. "Hi, Tobias. Glad to see you." He turned to Cassie. "Cass, I have to run a few errands. I'll be back in a while," he said and closed the door behind him.

Cassie finally let go and said, "Would you like to go inside? I think there are some leftover waffles from this morning."

"Okay," he said and followed her into house.

He sat at the table a bit awkwardly waiting for Cassie to bring the food. After a minute, he realized that he should have probably helped her, but it was a bit late for that now.

"So," Cassie began as she put the plate full of waffles in front of him. "How have you been?"

"Alright," he lied and toyed with his food. He wasn't really hungry and wasn't sure why he had accepted the food in the first place.

"Hmm, really?"

He squashed down the urge to squirm in his seat. "Yeah."

"For some strange reason, I have trouble believing that," Cassie said simply, keeping her eyes on him without even glancing down at her own food. It appeared she wasn't hungry either.

Tobias didn't say anything for a few moments. Then finally he asked, "So how has your work been?"

Cassie sighed and leaned back on her chair. "There is a giant elephant in the room that you're refusing to acknowledge," she said, not being one to dance around unwanted topics. _That's the problem, actually, _he thought, _there is no elephant anymore._

"I know," he sighed without looking up.

"You've been gone for months."

"I know."

Cassie didn't say anything, then. Tobias didn't meet her eyes, but he could feel their intensity burning into his skull.

"We missed you," she said, softer this time.

This time he did meet her eyes. There was a look of... not pity, per say, but sadness and worry. Instantly, he felt a rush of guilt for upsetting her and looked down again.

"I know," he said for a third time. Then, softer, "I'm sorry."

"Tobias, I really want to help-"

"I know, and I appreciate it. I really, really do. But I just don't want to talk about it," he said, interrupting her.

"Okay," she said after a pause.

They didn't say anything for a long time, both just reluctantly picking at their food. There was an awkwardness that had never existed between them before, and Tobias almost regretted coming.

Eventually, Cassie found the silence unbearable so she reached to grab the TV remote in the middle of the table and pressed the power button. Some commercials were on, and neither of them said a word until what had become the official Animorphs' logo appeared on the screen and what appeared to be the theme song of a show came on. "No turning back. No backing down. Nowhere to run. No solid ground!" the TV sang.

"Oh. I didn't know that stupid thing was on. I'm sorry. I'll turn it off." She reached out to grab the control again but stopped when Tobias spoke.

"No," he said. "I want to watch."

Cassie stared at him for a second. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," he said, sounding annoyed. "I'm sure." Did she seriously think he would break down at the very mention of Rachel? It wasn't like he didn't already think of her every living second of his life.

So she left it on. It appeared it was one of the earlier episodes. They were all in the mall, and he hadn't been trapped in morph yet. The guy who played Jake was tall, muscular, and athletic. He looked like the stereotypical quarterback, not like Jake at all. Predictably, the girl who played Rachel was gorgeous, with big curves and long silky hair and a pretty face. "Cassie" was too white, too thin, and too fashionable to pass of as the real deal, and her hair was longer. Marco's actor barely resembled Marco. He was big with bulging muscles and way too handsome. Tobias rolled his eyes. He had probably been hand-picked by Marco himself. None of them passed off as thirteen year-olds. In fact, they were all probably older than his current seventeen year-old self.

"Are they _serious_?" he hissed when he saw the actor who played him. He was dressed in the stereotypical "nerd" look sporting dorky glasses, braces, and even some suspenders. Besides the blond hair, he did not resemble Tobias in the slightest.

Cassie sent him an apologetic look. "Sorry. Marco and I tried to talk the director out of it, but well... The director does what the director wants, I guess." Tobias rolled his eyes but didn't say anything else for a few minutes.

"It's true," TV Tobias said with a sad, crooked smile. "Nobody gives a rat's rear about me."

"I do," TV Rachel responded.

He felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. Cassie, seeing his reaction, immediately turned off the television and began to apologize, but he sprang up from the chair.

"I'm going to be sick," he said and ran to the trashcan next to the counter, doubling over to throw up.

But after a few minutes, nothing happened, and he slowly stood up, body trembling and knuckles white. His breaths came in short gasps, and he swallowed back the lump in his throat. He didn't turn to face Cassie until he had his breathing back under control.

She wasn't at the table anymore. Instead, she sat at the couch, and she patted the space next to her to signal him over when he turned to look at her. He made his way over to her slowly, and curled up on the couch with his head in her lap, feet dangling from the edge.

She didn't say anything, just stroked his hair as tears threatened to fall down his face. "I miss her," he said softly, his voice hoarse and full of emotion. _So much for not breaking down, _he thought.

"I know," she said. "But she wouldn't have wanted to see you like this."

He gave a bitter laugh. "I know, Cassie! Don't you think I know? But she was- She was _everything _to me. She was all I had! I loved her so much, and I don't know what to do anymore. I mean-" His voice broke and he struggled to suppress a sob. "We were supposed to be together. We were supposed to get married and be happy, and I just... What am I supposed to do with myself now?" he whispered. "God, this is so _unfair._"

"You still have us," she whispered.

"It's not the same, Cass. You've all moved on," he said.

"That's not true, Tobias," she said quietly. "Do you think we've forgotten? That we don't wake up every night having nightmares? Because I still do. I remember."

"That's not what I meant. I still do, too. What I meant is..." he trailed off, looking for the right words. "You all have _something. _Something to keep you grounded. Something keeping you alive. I don't have that luxury anymore."

"Aren't you leaving with Ax to the Andalite home world?"

"And who know when that will be. But until then-"

"Until then you will stay strong," Cassie said firmly.

He remained silent for a moment. "I don't think I have any strength left in me," he muttered.

"You know..." she began after a few minutes of silence, "I know where Loren lives. You could meet up with her, if it would help."

For an instant, a feeling resembling hope filled him. Wasn't this what he had always wanted? He was the one that went to look for Loren in the first place. Yeah, she had left, but that didn't necessarily mean she didn't want to see him. She just didn't know where he was. He could go live with her while Ax came and pull himself together. Maybe she could go with them too, and she could meet her parents-in-law. Maybe, just maybe, he might actually get another shot of happiness, or at least a chance at being okay... But...

"I think... Maybe not being with her is for the best," he said a little sadly.

"What? Why? Tobias, this is an opportunity for a better life! This is your chance to-"

"Cassie, look at me!" he said, a little louder than intended. "I'm an emotional wreck. I'm totally broken. I can't do that to Loren. I mean, imagine having me as her son. She's totally new to this parenting thing and to give her a hopeless case like me... I'm just going to hurt her."

"That's not true! Tobias, no matter what, you're still her son," she said, lowering her voice towards the end.

"Cassie, I'm not going to go human permanently. Not now and probably not ever. How can she cope with the fact that her son is a hawk?" Then he added quietly, "Maybe she doesn't even want to."

He silently cursed himself for saying that last part out loud. He always had mixed feelings when it came to Loren. Part of him wanted her with him badly. Part of him was mad at her for leaving in the first place. And part of him thought that she was better off without him.

"You know, she asked around for you after the war. A couple of months ago she even called Jake to see if he knew anything about you." His body tensed when she said Jake's name.

_Then why did she leave? _he asked himself. Wanting to change the topic, he blurted the first thing that came to mind, "So, are you two still together?"

She went stiff for a moment, and her hands stopped running through his hair. Then she relaxed and let out a sigh. "No. We're not."

"Because of Rachel?" They both pretended not to notice that his voice cracked when he said her name.

"No," she said. "Not because of Rachel. We were..." She paused. "We were already drifting away even before the end. Maybe even before I gave the Yeerks the morphing cube."

And call him selfish, but part of him was happy to know that Jake hadn't gotten the girl either. He didn't get a happy ending either.

"We changed too much, you know?" she continued. "I love Jake. I really do. But even though I love this Jake, I was _in love _with the old Jake, not Jake the General."

"I'm sorry," he said. And he was. But for Cassie, not Jake. Never Jake.

"It's not your fault," she said with a shrug.

For a while, neither of them spoke. And this time, the silence was comfortable.

"You know," Cassie finally said in a low voice. "You could always come with me."

Tobias turned to look at her. "What?"

"To the new Hork-bajir Valley. Well, I guess it's not a Valley now." After he didn't say anything, she said, "Come on. You were always really close to them. And besides, I think Toby misses you."

"Toby..." He had always been protective of his name-sake. He cared for her and played with her when she was smaller. He spent hours a day teaching her anything and everything he knew. He was even the one who taught her how to read English. She was like a little sister to him. Albeit, an alien sister.

He shrugged off the thought when he remembered who his father was.

"Where are they at, anyway?" he asked.

"At Yellowstone."

"Cassie, that's in another state."

"So? Tobias, you won't be alone anymore. You could help them out from time to time. And they adore you! They would take you in with open arms."

He thought about it for a minute. What was he still doing there in the first place? There was nothing there for him anymore. Just depressing memories and ghosts from the past. Besides, he was getting kind of bored.

"Okay," he said. "I'll go."

"Really?" Cassie asked, her voice surprised, as if she didn't expect him to accept.

"Yes. I'll go. You're right. It could help."

"Great!" she said, sounding cheerful. "However... I leave tomorrow."

"Wait, tomorrow?"

"Is there a problem?"

He quickly sat up. "I was going to visit Marco. What time is it?"

"It's..." she trailed off looking at her watch, "barely nine. Would you like me to call him to tell him you're going?"

Tobias smirked a little. "Nah, it's cool. I'd rather surprise him."

Cassie rolled her eyes, knowing the by "surprise" he meant "find a way to scare him out of his wits."

"Just be here by eight tomorrow. The jet leaves at 8:30."

"Wait. Jet?" He gave her a questioning look. "I expected that more from Marco."

"Hey, I would rather go on a plane, but the government is scared someone will try something to hurt me, so they bought me a private jet instead."

Tobias nodded, a bit confused. Even though he was sure Cassie could take of herself, he supposed there were still extremists out there who hated all the Animorphs and wanted them dead. "Okay. See you tomorrow," he said and started to walk towards the door.

"Wait, Tobias?" Cassie called and ran up to him wrapping her arms around him again. "I'm glad you came."

He smiled and hugged her back. "Me too."

She kissed him on the forehead, and said, "Take care. And don't be too mean to Marco, okay?"

"I'll try my best."

...

Marco's house was a mansion, and it was one of the biggest houses Tobias had ever seen, rivaling even the former Visser One's cannibalistic brother's home. Of course, he lived there alone except for his servants and the occasional girlfriend. His relationships didn't last more than a few weeks.

It took him five minutes to find what he was sure was Marco's bedroom because it was the only room with the window open and the bed was unmade. When he hovered outside of the window for a few seconds, he could make out the sound of a shower going behind a door in the room that was presumably the restroom. He had hoped to find Marco asleep so that he could scream in his head to wake him up and watch him jolt awake and fall of the bed in panic like he used to do sometimes during the war. Obviously, he would have to find another way to make his presence known.

He flew in through the open window and immediately a robotic female's voice said, "Unidentified life form."

((What the- Oh crap.)) Before Tobias had the chance to jump out of the window a green light flashed around him stunning him mid-flight and paralyzing him. He let out a yelp of surprise as he fell inside the room and crashed into a lamp on a drawer next to a bed, knocking it over and following it as it dropped to the floor. ((Ah! Ouch! MARCO!))

A second later he heard a door slam shut signalizing Marco's presence and he barely made out a pair of wet bare feet running towards him. He tried to look up to see his friend's face but found that he couldn't move at all.

"Oh my God. Tobias, is that you?" Marco said as his arms picked up Tobias' body.

((No. It's freaking Big Bird. What do you think?)) he said as Marco lifted him up into the air and Tobias got a view of Marco's hair covered in shampoo and the towel wrapped around his waist.

"I think that somebody woke up on the wrong side of his branch today," he answered, getting over his shock rather quickly. Even though that was a typical Marco response, there was a tone in his voice that Tobias couldn't quite place.

((Of course. Being paralyzed totally didn't affect my mood.))

"Relax. The effect only lasts a few minutes." Marco set him down on top of the drawer. "Hey, at least I didn't dracon you."

((Why on Earth would you dracon me?))

"Not you, specifically. Intruders in general."

((Paranoid much?))

Marco shifted from one leg to another. "Not this time. Some of the voluntary hosts were given the power to morph. And, well. They weren't too happy that the Yeerks didn't win."

((I thought all of the Voluntaries were imprisoned for treason.))

Marco shook his head and some of the foamy shampoo started dripping on the floor. "Not all of them. Some we couldn't prove were traitors and others were pardoned. And technically, it's illegal to morph now without a government license, but I don't trust them not to break into my mansion and try to kill me or something. So, I set up the Gleet Biofilter, except that I set it to stun, not kill."

((How merciful. So you had to break the habit of flying in through the window instead of walking through the door?))

"Nah. It's programmed to let my osprey in. And Jake's peregrine and Ax's harrier." Cassie had the same osprey as Marco.

((Oh,)) was all Tobias said.

He knew what Marco was implying. Tobias' DNA wasn't entered into the system because Marco thought that he would never return.

Suddenly, silence fell over them, and it was ten time worse than with Cassie because if there was something that could be said about Marco, it was that it was never quiet when he was around.

After what seemed like an eternity but was only a few seconds, Marco said, "I should really go finish my shower," and walked back into the restroom.

Tobias mentally sighed and wondered what he could possibly talk about with Marco that wouldn't sound like he was trying to avoid the only topic that mattered. All while trying to move his talon. Eventually, he was able to move his wing a few inches and immediately started morphing to his human self in order to fully regain mobility. When he was finished, he heard Marco clear his throat to get his attention while leaning against the restroom doorway fully-dressed and shampoo-free.

He eyed him up and down with a guarded look in his eyes. Finally he said, "You should really get a haircut. And a new morphing outfit."

Tobias ran a hand through his hair. It had never been short exactly, but it was definitely longer than usual, almost reaching his shoulders. And his morphing outfit was feeling kind of tight.

"I can take care of that for you," Marco said.

Tobias scoffed. "Yeah. Right. I'm not letting you touch my hair."

Marco rolled his eyes. "Not me, you moron. I have stylists for that. I can call one of them right now."

Tobias' eyes widened. "I don't want anyone to know I'm here."

"And they won't. I'll just make something up."

Tobias nodded, and the silence came back.

Eventually Marco sighed, and said, "I don't suppose you want a tour around my very humble home?"

...

By the time they had finished touring around the mansion and Tobias had gotten in a few snide remarks about the extravagance of the place, the stylist arrived. Marco told her that Tobias was an old friend and thankfully, she didn't ask too many questions or talk much for that matter. Probably why Marco had called her instead of anybody else. Within an hour, Tobias' hair had been returned to its normal length (looking much more stylish, of course) and he had a new morphing outfit and four new extremely expensive regular outfits which he tried to argue against, but of course, Marco didn't listen.

The whole time Tobias tried to keep up their usual snarky banter, but Marco's replies were curt and blunt. After the stylist left, Marco walked to the kitchen and went back to the living room with a bottle of vodka.

"How'd you get that? I doubt you could convince the cashier that you're over the age of thirteen, let alone twenty-one," Tobias asked from his place in the couch.

Marco was looking down serving the drinks in the small table in front of the couch, but Tobias could have sworn he saw him struggling to smile. He cheered inwardly.

"Nope," Marco replied, his voice going back to the same semi-cold tone he had been using with him the entire time. "This is just one of the perks of being a widely-known celebrity."

"The law is biased, I see."

"At least it's biased in my favor now instead of against," Marco muttered while setting down a glass of clear liquid in front of him, though Tobias wasn't sure what he meant by that.

They were quiet for a few seconds, each taking small sips of their drinks until Tobias said, "I'm leaving tomorrow to Yellowstone with the free hork-bajir. I just thought you should know."

Marco snorted. "Well, that's new." This time, he didn't even try hide his snide tone.

"If there's something you want to say to me, just say it Marco," Tobias finally said, frustrated.

Marco looked up from his drink and stared him for a full minute before saying, "You're an asshole, you know that?"

Well, that wasn't what Tobias had been expecting. "Excuse me?"

"What, do you think you can just drop from the face of the planet for months and then suddenly pop up again like everything's normal again?"

"Well, I can try," he muttered.

Marco sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Look, don't get me wrong. I'm glad you're back. Really. And I'm glad to see you haven't killed yourself. But hey, there's no guarantee that when you get to Yellowstone you won't just disappear again and we'll all be here biting our nails not knowing whether you're alive or dead."

"I'm not going to disappear again."

"And how do I know that?"

"I'm not. Didn't Ax tell you? I told him I'd go back with him to the Andalite home world when I was fine again."

"And are you? Because I honestly have no idea."

That stopped Tobias short, not knowing how to answer. Instead, he curled his hand into fists beside him and nearly growled, "Look, you don't know what it's like to-"

"Exactly," Marco cut him off. "I don't. If you run off on your own for months without talking to any of us, how could I?"

Tobias looked down. He was definitely mad. But whether it was at Marco or himself, he wasn't sure.

"Look, you don't have to talk to me if you don't want to. I never expected you to." At this, Marco got up from the other couch in the living room and plopped down next to Tobias. "I just don't think it's fair to just leave everyone who cares about you behind. Just because you like to pretend that you're alone in this and that nobody but Rachel loved you doesn't make it true."

"That's not what this is about," Tobias said softly.

"Then was is it about? Jake talked to me after that night you saw him at the cemetery, you know. And he said that that's pretty much what you said. Or implied, anyway."

He _had_ said it. And what Marco was saying was true, and on some level he understood that... But...

"I don't know," was all he said. "I just really didn't want to see anyone after Rachel died."

Marco rolled his eyes. "No shit, Sherlock."

"Then keep digging, Watson."

Marco replied by shoving him off the couch and Tobias laughed a bit. Marco stared at him. "Huh. I didn't think I would ever see you laugh again."

"It's a rare gift. You are one of the lucky few to witness it. Appreciate it."

Marco smirked. "Well, if this _is _the last time you'll be gracing me with your presence for a while then we probably shouldn't spend it here angsting."

"I thought we were going to get drunk," Tobias said, looking up at his half-full cup.

"Which leads to angsting. C'mon. Let's go out somewhere."

"Uhh, paparazzi?"

"Uhh, morphing? Just don't tell Cassie." He held out his hand to help him stand up. "C'mon. Let's go."

"Yeah," Tobias said taking his hand, "okay."

...

The flight to Yellowstone was spent in his human morph because the ride was too bumpy for his hawk self. He spent the entire time staring out the window and contemplating how different this flight was to the ones he was on when he was a kid. Before, he spent the entire time dreading the moment the plane landed and he would be thrown back into the custody of someone who didn't notice, let alone cared, for him. Now, however, he was, dare he say, kind of excited to see his old friend. The feeling was foreign, but it was much welcomed.

"Tobias?" Cassie called, snapping him out of his thoughts. She was sitting on a couch-like seat across from him. Previously, she had been tapping away on her laptop's keyboard while muttering under her breath. _Probably something to do with her job_, he thought.

"Yeah?" he said.

"Here," she said, carefully handing him over a picture. "Jordan gave it to me a few weeks ago. I wasn't sure whether to give it to you or not, but it's probably for the best if you keep it."

Jordan was Rachel's younger sister. During their temporary stay at the Valley, she had become interested in photography mostly because there hadn't been anything else to do and Marco had gotten a camera during one of his many trips to garage sells. After that, she was snapping pictures of everything and everyone at the most inconvenient moments.

This particular picture Cassie had handed him, however, was one of the few pictures that had been taken with consent. It was a picture of him (in human morph) and Rachel. He had an arm around her shoulders and she was smiling, which was usual, but what wasn't usual was that he was smiling as well. He briefly wondered how many pictures existed of him smiling genuinely.

He stared at the picture fondly and cracked a sad smile as a wave of nostalgia hit him. This picture was taken a few days before the final battle took place. This picture was taken a few days before he stopped believing that he could have a happy ending. Or at least a decent one.

Until now.

He looked up at Cassie. "Thanks," he said. He hadn't meant to, but his voice suddenly held a lot of emotion. She gave him a small smile and reached over to squeeze his hand.

The rest of the flight he spent contemplating the picture and wondering what Rachel would think of him if she saw him now. She probably wouldn't be too happy to know he had just been moping around for months. _I promise I'll make you proud, _he thought quietly.

Eventually, Cassie said "We're here." Carefully so that it wouldn't fold, Tobias placed the picture in his backpack which held a few of his belongings including the outfits Marco had gotten him.

Then, after a quick demorphing and remorphing to carry his stuff, Tobias hopped off the jet and took a look at his surroundings. They had landed in a small clearing surrounded by mostly pine trees near where the Hork-bajir Not-valley was. Most of the trees closely resembled those in California, but some were new. Tobias made a point to check them out later along with the Old Faithful Geyser. But for now, he and Cassie were to wait for Toby to arrive. She had promised to meet Cassie at the clearing in half an hour.

Meanwhile, Cassie gave a brief summary of what had happened to the hork-bajir in the last few months, which was basically a repeat of what Marco had already told him. For one, they had been relocated to Yellowstone, obviously. The hork-bajir were granted a portion of the park to themselves in which, in theory, nobody but the hork-bajir was allowed to roam. Toby and Cassie had both become the representatives of the free hork-bajir (Cassie was also working on defending the YPM, or the Yeerk-Peace Movement). Currently, they were working on securing the hork-bajir's rights to prevent any more violence against them, which unfortunately, Cassie said was far too common. Just last month, a couple of, in Cassie's words "merciless brutal savages" shot down one of the hork-bajir. Charges had been pressed against the killers, but they were let free within a week. Tobias felt a wave of anger hit him when Cassie told him this, but he also felt a pang of guilt for leaving the hork-bajir alone. Maybe if he had been there...

While Cassie told him about the hork-bajir that had arrived from their home world, a voice called out from behind them.

"Cassie!" Tobias turned around to see his name-sake jumping from a tree to the ground. She had grown. "What a pleasure to see you aga-" Toby suddenly stopped short and stared at him for a few seconds. "Tobias?"

Tobias smiled at her. "Hey, Toby! Long time, no see. You've gotten taller." And suddenly he found himself lifted off his feet and embraced by the hork-bajir who thankfully knew how to hug a human without chopping them in half with her blades. However, it seemed she didn't know how to hug one without squeezing them to death. "You've also gotten stronger," he gasped, struggling to breathe under her tight hold.

Instantly, she put him down on the floor and let go, and he took in a large breath of air. "I apologize," she said, looking a bit sheepish. "I just didn't expect to see you."

"It's okay," he said, finally managing to regulate his breathing. "I'm glad to see you, too."

"Toby!" Cassie said from behind them, smiling at their exchange. "How are you?" She came up to hug her and this hug didn't involve any lifting or choking.

"Very well, Cassie. And you?"

"I'm great!" she said, taking a quick glance at Tobias as she said that. "Ready to work?"

"Yes, yes, of course. However..." she turned to Tobias. "How long will you be staying?"

"Uh..." he began, suddenly nervous. "I don't know, I suppose I'll-"

"He'll be staying indefinitely," Cassie interrupted and Tobias sent her a mild glare. Toby, however, beamed.

"I mean, if it's not an inconvenience," he said quickly.

"Nonsense!" Toby exclaimed. "You are never an inconvenience. Quite the opposite, actually. We'd all be more than happy to have you here. In fact, I was thinking that we could have a welcoming ceremony for you." The hork-bajir were big on ceremonies and rituals.

"That'd be great!" Cassie said. "Don't you think so Tobias?" The tone in her voice was almost challenging, making it impossible for him to disagree. Well, almost.

"Um, yeah," he stammered. "It'd be awesome, but... don't you think it's a little too much?"

"Like I mentioned before," Toby said cheerfully, "quite the opposite, actually."

...

Just like Toby and Cassie had said, all of the hork-bajir were ecstatic and overjoyed to see him. In fact, a lot of them went up to him shyly and told him how glad they were that he was there. And sometimes when he would turn around and smile at the younger hork-bajir, they would duck their heads and giggle, almost. It was a bit odd, being treated like a celebrity. Back in the original Valley, everyone had respected him and yes, they were almost at awe with him, but they were far too used to him being there to view him with so much wonder. It was a bit awkward, but sweet for the most part. At least with the hork-bajir. He thought that if they had been human, it probably would have been a lot more unnerving then sweet. And there would be more screaming and cheering. And also a lot more questions.

Not one of the hork-bajir had asked any questions that he did not feel comfortable answering. He wasn't sure if it was because Toby had asked them not to or because hork-bajir were just naturally considerate. Either way, he was extremely relieved. Just another of the many reasons he felt so at ease with the hork-bajir.

The ceremony had lasted a few hours, and by night time, most of the hork-bajir had already left. After saying goodbye to him and repeating how much they appreciated him being there, of course. The pizza box Cassie had ordered for both of them lay empty on the floor, and she was currently talking with some young hork-bajir, laughing while they excitedly told her a story.

His morphing time was almost up, and he was just itching to regain his wings once more. He had been spending too much time in his human morph the past two days, and while it had been enjoyable for the most part, it had also been emotionally exhausting. He supposed it was for the best, however. He did feel a lot better than he had weeks prior.

It was while he was contemplating this that Ket Helpak, Toby's mother and one of the first two hork-bajir he had rescued, came over to him and pulled him aside and away from everybody else. She had already expressed her joy of his moving into the colony with them, and had hugged him tenderly (unlike her daughter), so he was a bit surprised at her sudden actions. But before he could asked if she needed anything, she cut straight to the point.

"Ket Helpak lose Jara Hamee," she said. That took him by surprise.

"Yes," he said, unsure of what to respond. "I know. I'm sorry." And he was. Jara Hamee was yet another person he had cared about and lost.

"Ket Helpak cry and cry. But Ket Helpak not alone. Ket Helpak have other hork-bajir. Other hork-bajir helped. Ket Helpak feel good again." She paused, then she said, "Tobias lose human mate too. Tobias leave because Tobias sad."

He looked away. Of course. He couldn't go a day without somebody mentioning Rachel. He wasn't mad at her. Not really. He couldn't be. But he didn't feel like being reprimanded for leaving again.

However, Ket Helpak did the exact opposite. And later, Tobias wondered why he was even surprised. She crouched down to be at eye-level with him, and she gently placed her hand on his cheek in a human gesture and turned his face to hers, like she had probably seen the other Animorphs' parents do before, making sure not to hurt him with her claws.

"Tobias will be okay. Tobias strong. And not alone. Never alone. Ket Helpak here for Tobias."

He stared at her for a long time until suddenly she looked a bit distorted and he began to see blurry. It was then he noticed that there were tears in his eyes. "Thank you," he whispered, too tired, too emotional, too overwhelmed to speak louder. This time, it was Tobias who hugged her.

And for the first time since Rachel's death, he finally felt something resembling peace.

...

**Okay, I'm not going to lie. I am incredibly tempted to just leave it here, at this story's happiest point. Truly. But I can't. I have far too many ideas and there are far too many unanswered questions.**

**I just ask you to bear with me, please. Like I said, I am extremely busy. The only reason I'm updating this right now is because it's Spring Break so I chose today to just finish this chapter and upload it before I start on my homework. So yeah, it'll be a while before there's another one. But hey, feedback always helps. After all, it was Quillian's support that convinced me to keep writing this in the first place.**


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